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Recapitulating the Journey of Awareness to Invigorate & Rekindle

At the end of first week, I was asking, rather imagining what will I do with the love I got there? (In Phase – A of Winter event of 1991 of ASAB at Jaipur) What will happen to my anger, which is inbuilt in me since long? How I will deal with the habit I formed for caring and getting cared? Will I be and should I be transparent and be honest to myself, which is risking too much? Will I be pairing, sharing and daring in all my interactions? All these questions I brought back home, post-event and later worked on it; like how Arnold Mindell narrated in his best-selling book ‘Working with Yourself Alone’.

And, now, this 8th day of November 2021, i.e. after almost twenty years, when I look back, I feel happy and contented that ‘The Mask’, which I donned off, I never put it on again, whatsoever circumstances may be. I remained firm and resolute in ingraining and retaining my ‘Awareness’. And I tell you, I became richer than before, but yes, please do not mistake in interpreting my said ‘richness’ in terms of money, which I never intended to come out of my zealous ceaseless efforts. I am talking about the ‘Richness of My Inner Awakash (Cosmos)’. The below is the recapitulation of that enviable and unprecedented journey of ‘Becoming Rich on gaining Awareness’, which few of you might have gone through.

So, what happened back home or precisely after homecoming? It was a sort of mismatch with almost everybody for everything; because my earlier (Old) mask, with which everybody around me was accustomed with, is no more with / on me. I discarded and threw it away, though it was a painful process, still I had done it knowingly, by a purposeful and thoughtful design. Now, I am asking myself, had I dispensed with it thoughtfully? Really, I do not know. And I am not sure whether, I have unmasked myself after a great thinking (?) Then, was it an emotional act? If yes, was it, is it right? And why not? Who will answer this? Who will decide this? He, She, They, All or Nobody, or everybody. All questions! Big questions! There is no correct answer possibly, because, who will decide for me what is right. Can anybody? But why anybody? No, Not at all. I am in-charge of myself. I will decide. I am autonomous.

Whenever and wherever, the way I like, the time I choose, I want to care, share, dare, confront, pair, love, detest, accept or reject. I tell you this is very much risky. I am aware I have undergone change process and feel myself renewed. No, I am not hurrying, but I would hasten to add that this Process of Change and / or Self-renewal is an on-going one. It cannot stop, till everything stops ultimately. I do not want myself to get bogged down with that ultimate fear. Less is done and Lot is yet left to be done….for self…..for Him…….for Her……and for All.

How foolish am I? Am I? Why should I at all worry so much for everybody? Am I omnipotent? No. Then, who am I? Complete? Wholesome? Powerful? Secured? Strong? Indeed very much difficult to answer. Not sure, but may be Powerful or Respectful.

Power- What is it? Influencing others……who are those others, or something else? Yes, it is more than influencing. For example, truly confronting; and even loving. Sincerely, I mean loving from within, irrespective of who is he / she. Sometimes, my loving is for and because of confronting desire and not necessarily only out of or for caring or sharing. This may sound queer and strange, I know. Sometimes, I derive my power from loving, and other times from confronting. To me, both loving and leaving (confronting) are simultaneous processes and could be interrelated and interdependent. They are intermingled with each other.

When I confront anybody, (at that time) I think (No. I do not feel.) I love me most, than loving anybody else in the world. Similarly, when I love anybody, in fact, to be true to myself, I am confronting myself, because the need to love him / her comes basically from winning over him / her and afterwards I realize, many-a-times, that I cannot confront, may be because I am not capable, competent or complete within. It creates the feelings of insecurity and powerlessness and then, I choose ‘loving’ as a mechanism, process or medium to get across or get along with, may be knowingly or unknowingly. But I do not feel guilty for it, because that is ‘My Choice’ of Power-Source, Power-Balance, and Power-Equation.

I am aware of this underlying process. Unfortunately, people around me, look at me now, as if they are finding out (m) an …’Odd Man.’ You know, what they mean by ‘Odd Man’? They mean ‘Unmasked’ me. Though I am comfortable, they are not! I am taking it easy, which is making them uneasy; but not me. I am sure; I tell you this is very intriguing too.

My New Awareness about me vis-à-vis he, she and they, is really making it difficult for everybody (including me) to re-adjust with each other. It is not a question of compatibility. Now, I know, that what others say ‘I am not I am, as I was’. They mean, I should put up my discarded mask back again and pretend that what I am not and what I do not mean at all. They enjoy getting fooled, because they are afraid of ‘knowing themselves what they really are.’ I, within me, pulls me back and sometimes tempts me, tries to corrupt me and contaminates me. At times, my awareness, which has come from my awakening, frightens me, especially then, when I try to write new ‘Relational Equations’ for replacing old ones (untrue). He (She) revolts, challenges, refutes and rejects these new relational equations (true ones). Yes, temporarily, it is unpleasing, and that too superficially. And when I dive deep into me, I come out, myself, every time, glittering more than before. Hence, so to say, He (She) offers me every time opportunity to get renewed me again and again. I encounter with my awareness, unceasingly, unflinchingly, day and night, but consciously all the time.

Dawn! The process of accepting “me, as I am” had started at last. I am feeling rejuvenated and emboldened to experiment more and more, in the ways un-trodden by me, ever before. That journey was not at all easy, I tell you. Peeling off is always painful, but I sincerely believe ‘No Pain, No Gain’. Suffering teaches us the most valuable things of life, like forbearance, self-confidence, unearthing own potentials, availabilities of multiple possibilities and opportunities. I say this, based on my thirty plus years’ long corporate career, compromising of most deterring threats and most illuminating opportunities I have seen, from Single Unit Single Location to Multiple Units at Multiple Location, from a Small Family-owned Business to Multi-National companies. The truth remains constant, the importance of ‘Awareness’. And Friends, I tell you, there are ‘Power-Intoxicated’ people in organizations, undaunted with reality and value for human beings; even though they occupy the higher positions. In fact, they should be more humble and empathizers, but the position contaminates their thinking process; and in such circumstances, ‘Individual Awareness’ becomes very important, core, crucial and will be certainly Your Savior. I reiterate, at the cost of repetition that ‘Awareness’ must be demonstrated by asserting ‘What You Think and Believe’ and ‘Affirming What You Value in your Life’, whether it is private life, social life or professional life.

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